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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
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5:38 pm
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**A Smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
So don't let the little things bug you.**
If it were only as simple as that. Sometimes, the little things can bug you more than the big things. Because with the big things, you have a reason to be hurt, and to frown. But with the little things, people tend to just tell you it's no big deal just get over it. But sometimes, you just want to scream, or cry, or hide from those things. But are afraid to because you know it's a stupid reason to. I wish that life was simple. But unfortunately, it's far from that. Life is the most confusing thing there is. Not boys, not girls, not friends, not family....but all of that combined. Life...is one big concept that is so difficult to grasp. There's no simple road to take, no better way of life. Everyone thinks that "the grass is greener on the other side." Well, you know what, it isn't. I've been on two different sides of life, and you know what, they both suck at times just as much as the other. So, life isn't all that it's cracked up to be. And I'm sure...everyone at some point in their life, loved their life (even just a little) and hated their life and wished that they were someone else or something different (even just a little.)
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| Monday, December 22nd, 2003
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9:00 pm
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Sitting in my room looking out my window, I realize so many things have changed. I look around my neighborhood to where familiar houses were, and I realize that I don't know anyone who lives in them now. It's no longer the bon's, Halaas's, Lawhead's, and Ross's, but others whom I'm almost afraid to get to know. I know they won't replace anyone, but I have to many memories in this neightborhood. Some sad, some happy, but all good. I look at the pond where the tree forts used to be and where the boys in our neighborhood decided the girls weren't cool enough to share a fort with, so they built a new one. (Ours was better)But those trees have fallen, along with any others that could have been great for tree forts. I go to the park where we used to play hide and seek and capture the flag. But, there's no shurbs to hide in and it's more like trails then finding places to go on your own.
Even at my house things have changed. I no longer sit by my window and wonder what would happen if I threw my barbie out of it, but what would happen to me? If I can remember so many good times in my life, how come I'm still questioning it?
My childhood was far from perfect, but I was usually a happy child, what changed? Did I too, like my neighborhood grow up and realize outside of my "saftey box" or childhood, there's a world of hurt? A world of hurt that I just don't want to experiance? A place people try to move away from to try and avoid. But, unfortunately, even if you move away from your problems, the memories are what hurt you the most.
Memories which can pierce through a sould. Memories which make you want to take that plunge. That plunge away from the world of hurt. And that place is different for everyone. It could be to some unknown place to everyone around you, like the Ross's, to a new state, like the Bon's, a new city, like the Lawhead's, a new neighborhood close by, like the Halaas's, or...just out your window....
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| Monday, December 1st, 2003
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9:35 pm
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The holiday season has started. And each year around this time, a certain feeling comes over me. I was driving my friend home today, and I was looking around her neighborhood. And already, so many people have started putting up lights. Sometimes I just want to stop, and soak in all of this beauty majestic feeling.
This holiday season I think I appreciate the beauty of this time of year more than I ever have. Each house looks so different, and has their own unique style and beauty. It's amazing how something so little, like lights, can put someone in such a thought provoking mood.
I was talking to my friend Nick the other day. And he was asking me that when they come up to visit, am I afraid that someone (meaning Alex) would try something. I responded with. "No, why?" And he told me that lights change things. And I didn't quite understand it then. But now, I do. Seeing all of these houses with lights and even just the crisp cool air, add to this magical feeling that is so hard describe. It makes people change in a way for the better.
I love this time of year. Everything it has in store I just can't wait. Of course, it would always be better if it'd snowed and that I'd have someone special to share this with, but those things come in time, and I will get my wish, eventually....
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| Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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10:21 pm
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| Friday, November 21st, 2003
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11:17 pm
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It's always a nice feeling when you let things go. I was watching A life is a House with some friends tonight. Man, I didn't think I was that emotional. If you haven't seen the movie, what happens, is this guy has cancer. (Don't worry, that's not the main point of the movie.) I know a lot of movies have people that have cancer, so why was this one different I will never know. Anyways, so we were getting towards the end of the movie, and I was doing good, no tears. But then, I just started bawling. My friends just thought it was because of the movie. But it wasn't. I've known so many people who I've lost to cancer. It just started to make me cry. I went to the bathroom so I could be alone and didn't have to deal with them saying, "It's just a movie," and "Oh, she's crying." But, it only made it worse. They kept calling to me to have me come out and watch this part of the movie. And if I came out, they would give me sympathetic comments. Things I just didn't need or want. I eventually controlled myself (when the movie was over.) But it's so difficult to deal with things like this. I've known so many people who have died of cancer and who are dealing with cancer now. Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't as emotional. Oh well..that's life
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| Sunday, November 16th, 2003
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10:27 pm
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I was eating dinner tonight with my family. It was kinda sad. So, we all sat done. And we ate, and I got up and left to finish my homework. We said absolutely nothing to one another. I started thinking, I miss the old times. When we'd all sit down to dinner, all five of us, not just the three left at home, and have a good conversation. Most of the time, those conversations would end in some sort of debate on who's wrong and right. But it's times like those that I miss. I miss being able to argue over pety stuff like that. I mean, I barely said three words at dinner tonight. And before, dinner would take us more than 20minutes to eat. Because of everyone talking. But now, we barely hit the 20minute mark. It's like everyone's lives today are so fast pace. We forget about the little things like enjoying family time with people. Or even enjoying time with friends. I was at a friend's house today, and we were planning on watching a movie. But none of us could figure out what to watch. So we ended up talking. We couldn't sit and talk for 1 hour before someone got to bored and had to do something. Eventhough she just stood up and walked around. But still, it shows that today's society and culture is so different from even just 5 years ago. We are so caught up in doing things fast versus enjoying every moment. I know that I'm not helping any. Because I'm just as impatient as the next person, if not more...but I hope that maybe I'll start to change. And enjoy life more.
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6:55 pm - New Icon
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| Friday, November 14th, 2003
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7:39 pm
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I've noticed that the mind can be a powerful thing. Whenever I have time to myself I dwell on things. Things that I didn't even know that I could think about. Which, in turn, makes me depressed. Sitting at home, not doing anything, makes my mind wander. I start thinking how my life could be different if I made different choices. What if I didn't ever dance? What if I didn't stop swimming and water polo and follow in my sister's and brother's footsteps? What if I just wasn't me? What would it be like to be someone else? Have different views and opinions. How would you see other people? Would my best friend now still be my best friend? Would I still have a shitty 8th grade?
Sometimes I enjoy being alone. It's nice to not have anyone bothering you. But in the same time, being alone encloses you and makes you feel worthless. For me, I start thinking about all the wrong things I have done in my life. And I try to fix them, which in turn, makes my problems even more complicated and complex. I need to learn not to try to fix things. Because then I can't dig myself into a deeper hole.
I wish there was a way for osmeone to help me out of this hole I have dug myself. But to tell you the truth, I don't know if I want to. Maybe I should stay in this hole forever. And see where I can go from here. Life is a like an expedition. Many different encounters with different things. I wish that my expedition wouldn't be as complex as it is now...
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| Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
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7:38 pm
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Isn't it ironic that two people who differ so much can have the same views on things, just reversed to fit them. i.e. Instead of me doing something to another person, the other person did that same thing to me. It's ironic how some people don't realize they do things when they actually do. And how they say they have nothing to do with anything, but in reality, everyone realizes that they are apart of it.
Another thing that's ironic is the fact that some people try to hide things, but they don't because they give themselves away without knowing it.
I'm sure this isn't making much sense to people. But if you knew what I was thinking about at the moment, it would make perfect sense. But basically, don't think you are perfect, because no one is perfect.
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| Monday, November 10th, 2003
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7:38 pm
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I love my best friend. I was sitting here earlier today and I was sulking. I was so depressed. And I didn't even tell her one thing about how I was feeling. And she said things to me that helped me so much. Almost like she knew what I was thinking. We always joke around about being telepathic, but I really believe we are. (no, I'm not crazy like you might be thinking.) But we always finish each other's sentences, say things when needed without knowing they needed to be said, and we always think the same things. It's nice to have a friendship like hers.
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| Friday, November 7th, 2003
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7:37 pm
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want to just get away from this place. Get away from all of my problems. To a place where I'm welcomed and wanted. To a place better than here. To a place where I can be myself and not worry about it. I want to leave here. I can't take this anymore. I can't handle all of the masks that people wear. I want to get away from all of this, especially all the lies. I want to be able to go to a place where I feel appreciated. And I don't have to hide my tears. Because in this place, I won't have to cry. I feel so lonely and alone. Like there's no one here that needs me. I want to feel wanted. I need to be needed. I love to be loved. And here, I'm not wanted, needed, or loved.
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